Here I Go Again
"No I don't know where I'm going,
But I sure know where I've been...
And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known."
-Here I Go Again
I said that I would never do this again. It's immature. It was fun in undergrad, but it's different now. I'm different now. I'm a law student.
I had a blog once. Similar to this. Strictly social. I jumped on the bandwagon during my freshman year at college. It was winter, 2003. I had just joined my sorority and all the cool upperclass sisters had blogs. I don't even think I called it a blog back then. I think I called it an online journal. It was the new social trend du jour and I'm always one for attempting the social trends, albeit, most of the times failing in my attempt to achieve that super cool persona that I always wished I had.
I ended up becoming addicted to "posting." I tried to post once a day, or every couple of days so people could see what was taking place in my life. In reality, it was just me creating a new way to validate my self worth by checking up on myself and trying to convince myself that I was a well adjusted, popular, busy person who had meaning in her life. With the passing of a week or so, I ended up experiencing the desire to post multiple thoughts or updates within the same day. However, if you failed in walking that fine line of what was considered a reasonable maximum number of posts per week, you were considered a social cripple who could not find any other way to communicate unless it was through an electronic medium of some sort and were no longer a VIP, but one of those depressing people who sits in front of their computer screen waiting for life to happen. This is now how I feel about Facebook. It is one of those social requirements that can quickly get out of hand causing a person to be condemned from overuse. In short, it was a social addiction.
I wanted the world, or at least my college campus, which in the end turned out to be only five of my sorority sisters, to hear what this knowledgeable little (seeing that I lost 30 lbs. from starvation 1st semester to fit in) 19 year old college co-ed from small town America had to say. What I wrote pertained mostly to the extreme emotions I was feeling that year. Living without family, spreading my wings, being challenged academically, being severely challenged socially and falling in love with that upperclassman who would never notice me (but, by the grace of God I'm still hoping he will!) created some extreme emotions for me which were hard to deal with when I was in a place I had never been before and not knowing a single soul out of the 20,000 students on campus. I always felt out of the loop, like an outcast, never fitting in. To disguise my awkward qualities which I felt seemed to mimic those of the Hunchback or a carnival freak show, I tried the best I could to appear to be an average college freshman. So, when I wasn't erratically posting what I was feeling, instead I posted about my extracurricular activities. These mostly included drunken nights of bonding with my new sorority sisters, or the list of weekly sightings of the object of my desire, which unfortunately made my little sister (my only internet fan), label me as a stalker.
As time went on and I became accustomed to my environment, and learning how to act more mature and composed, I ended up changing my writing style. I became more thoughtful and introspective, yet at times humorous in wanting to describe funny or interesting events which happened to me. I became more involved with my sorority and the Model UN team which caused me to not depend so much on my online journal, or by my sophomore year what I was calling my "blog." I don't really know if it was that I had no need to depend on a blog anymore to sort out and validate my life, or if it was just that I was too busy to notice that I was still struggling with some crazy internal emotions, which looking back on the circumstances at the time, really should have been there, but seemed as if they weren't.
By my junior and senior year, as I became more knowledgeable about the world and more aware of how the media (which is perpetually changing at the speed of light) worked, I felt that my blog was frivolous compared to everything else out in cyberspace. I was embarrassed of knowing that at one time I felt my occasional rants on mandatory but unannouced 1am residence hall fire drills in January were important. Some of my peers were writing blogs that were so influential that cable news channels were referring to them for information. There is also the Huffington Post which is an outlet for qualified political bloggers. I found Donald Trump's blogpage, in which he has probably hired his bloggers to teach the masses how to be a successful business person (and for free!). One day, I randomly came across the blog of a female author of a book I once read (and really enjoyed)! I thought it an exciting treat that I came across her blog full of personal musings on a free blogsite open to the public. From what I can see, the author, nor her agent or publishers, had advertised this blog. Honestly, I felt a bit starstruck. It was almost as if I was standing in her living room thinking, "Geez, so even celebrities live just like us."
The posts became fewer and more far between. By my last semester, I had only made five entries, and only that many because I felt the occasional duty to let the world know where I may be if for some reason it lost track of me. Two days after graduation I officially brought my 3 1/2 year blog to a close.
As I said, I swore to myself that I would never do this again. I mean, what if a future employer found my blog and was so appalled by learning the details of my personal life that he fired me and everyone else refused to hire me?! However, after completing my first law school exam, I felt I needed someone to talk to. Yet, I couldn't bare the embarrassment of explaining my challenges and plethora of first year mistakes to a human being who would know my identity. I was going crazy! I was frantic trying to figure out how I would get the events of the past four weeks out of my head without risking my reputation with the people I trusted the most. Finally it came to me. I needed to blog. I was back in the same place I was when I was that college freshman. Awkward, painfully shy, slow to make friends, scared, alone, overworked and underslept. Just when you think you've overcome all those hurdles that the coming of age era has put in front of you, you feel like a ninth grader again; speed walking through the halls only trying to survive with the goal of making it to your next class on time. The law school even gave me my own locker! And it was right next to one of the 2Ls (2nd year law student in legal speak) who is on the law review! I'm cool now!
Now that I've mentally sorted out my life, I have to think of that clever conclusion. Hold on a second! I'm only 22! There can't be a conclusion! I think a summation of facts and lessons learned up until this point will suffice. So here it is: No matter what our experiences are, or how we percieve them, or even how old we are, we'll always end up again at that familiar starting point we've experienced before, yet is just different enough to scare the bejesus out of us. Some people don't cope well. Some people cope very well. And then there are people like me, who need to find a way to cope but because of the ambitious and competitve life route I chose to take, I have to make it look like I don't need to find a way to cope and that I'm perfectly well adjusted and capable of become an excellent young lawyer ready to take on the world.
So here's to finding ways to cope with what life brings you! Or maybe what we bring upon ourselves!